Gidget moves in

As I write this, Gidget (formerly Ariella) is running around the room. Actually, she was just standing here acting she was trying to figure out what a computer is. She's been in constant motion and I have to admit has been good about learning what are toys to play with and chew and what's not (I think taking off with my boot last night taught her pretty early when Joe chased her around). We drove to Roland, Oklahoma, Tuesday where it snowed all the way from Amarillo to Roland (about 700 miles from Albuquerque). We hadn't taken Chaco on a road trip in several years and he really struggled. I'm not sure if he thought we were going to give him away (or trade him in) but he also has been struggling with watery eyes and I'm sure that didn't help. In some ways it was easier to travel with him this time. He turns nine tomorrow on new year's day (we'll have had him seven years) and I didn't feel so paranoid about leaving him. I can leave him in the car with a whole lot of food and he won't touch it. He's too busy worried about where we are going without him. He kept waking me up in the motel room wanting to go out in the rain and snow. I took him for a run on a country road the next morning and he really wanted to interact with the cows but they didn't want anything to do with him and kept backing away. I was nervous meeting Gidget. She came from the Ahimsa Rescue Foundation (see site here) where she had been the product of backyard breeders. She and her parents were removed from the home and that's how they ended up with Ahimsa. I had never gotten a dog that I'd never met. What surprised me, although I'm not sure why, was how much smaller she was in person. The photos that Teresa Morton, of Ahimsa, had emailed us showed what looked like a bigger dog. I'm adding some photos here including one of Joe holding her at the dental clinic (Teresa's husband is a dentist) where we picked her up. Chaco really struggled on the way home, getting comfortable, and finally some benadryl knocked him out so he could sleep. He was a good sport although he kept sitting on top of Gidget (not on purpose, I think he's just not aware!). When he settled into the very back of the car, she sprawled out in the middle seat and went to sleep. Our only catastrophe was that despite our best efforts to get her to pee, she didn't until we were somewhere in Texas and then she decided to do it in the car! Daisy's bleeding had prepared me well and I had enough plastic and towels down that it didn't seep through. When we stopped for her to pee shortly after, she did and has been good about doing it outside since (waking Joe up twice last night to let her out). The drive home was very uneventful until we hit Cline's Corners in New Mexico and a storm that hadn't been predicted so early (or was on the weather map). The canyon that leads us through the Sandia Mountains into Albuquerque was snowy and icy and Chaco sat in my lap the whole time while Gidget wanted nothing to do with me but to stay sprawled out. The dogs here are adjusting to a new sister. Nestle is afraid that Gidget will steal her food and Hattie wants to play with Gidget but Gidget is still a little wobbly on those big legs and can't keep up with her. I'm sure that will change soon. Happy new year, everyone!

Puppyhood is upon us again

I admit that I wasn't happy that we had no plans for Christmas Day. The reality is that I spent most of it working, something I try not to do on holidays. But after getting stuck overnight in Dallas thanks to weather and a plane that left without me, I had work to do. Yet it was on Christmas night that we found out we are to be the new pet parents of a rescued German Shepherd puppy who is three months old and currently residing in Oklahoma. I knew eventually we'd another dog. I didn't plan to do it this soon though. During my dissertation research, a question we often pondered was when is it okay for someone grieving a pet to get a new one? And I think my own experience is reminding me that it's different for all of us. I felt a little weird talking about it at first, like I was dishonoring Daisy. But what I realized was, if Daisy were alive and could talk, she'd be telling us to open our home to another dog. We have the room and are willing to give the time and energy. I wanted another German Shepherd because I wanted a chance to use everything I learned about Daisy's immune system to help another dog. Tomorrow morning we are on our way to Oklahoma to pick that dog up. I will write more about her story once she is with us. In the meantime, I spent today preparing for puppyhood– pulling the crate out, buying the puppy food, and making a vet appointment for Monday. I have been asking Daisy to lead us to the right dog at the right time. I know she's taking care of this and helping it all to fall into place. And I know she'll be guiding us on our trip and back home with the "new" fourth member of our family.

Merry Christmas and remember our loved ones who have passed on

When I think about what the holidays mean to people, I believe there are two distinct pieces that make them difficult. One is the trauma of holidays past where it's not quite remembered in a positive light (I won't elaborate- we've all had them!). The other is the reality that our deceased loved ones are not with us on this day. Obviously, in our house this year, we are especially remembering Daisy since she just died several weeks ago after her difficult battle with hemangiosarcoma. But, for me, it's also the day I remember my dad, my sister, and all my grandparents with whom I always spent Christmas until they died. This past week in Naperville I walked Ginger and Mom's Daisy. It's hard to believe that Ginger has been with Mom four years in January and Daisy was with her a year last weekend. And if Ginger has been with Mom four years, that means Dad died four years ago this coming New Year's Day. On a day like today, it's important we take the time to remember our loved ones who aren't with us in the physical world now but remain with us and as a part of who we are. See the Lío cartoon here where he remembers his mom. Merry Christmas, everyone.

Santa Claus returns!

I flew to Chicago yesterday and picked up a "new" Santa Claus with four puppies that I had won on ebay last night. This morning Joe called me and said Santa Claus had returned! Honestly, I couldn't believe what he was telling me. I had this fantasy that maybe Santa would come back but mostly I thought it was a little unrealistic for that to happen. He appears to have had some fake snow sprayed on him but he's Santa with the four puppies and back at my house. Joe thinks maybe some kids stole him and a mom made them return him. Whoever she is, I like her!

Advocating to fight canine cancer

Daisy's photo is up on the memorial page of the web site Fight Canine Cancer. There also is a facebook page called Georgia's Legacy. If you're a facebook user, please become a fan of this page. As in the work that the bereaved have done in suicide prevention, the cure for canine cancer will only come through the advocating efforts of people who have lost a dog to the evil disease.

Santa Claus get stolen

In a previous blog, included photos of our Christmas decorations. One of them was a large Santa Claus with four puppies climbing all over him. I bought him several years ago at the Meijer store in Naperville. He was the last one left and I wanted him because he had the four puppies and I had four dogs. I shipped him to Albuquerque and have displayed him outside for the last few years. This morning I went outside to go run with Chaco and Santa Claus was gone. He was stolen during the night- nothing else is missing (my small Santa Claus and my lit up reindeer are still there). I realize he is a piece of molded plastic that cost me less than $20 but he was significant to me because of the four puppies. Yesterday also was my birthday. And it felt like insult was added to injury since Daisy died 1 1/2 weeks ago. When I have had copies of my book on sibling suicide taken off tables at events, I often chalked it up to the person really needing that book, however, I'm having a hard time understanding how someone could have needed that Santa more than me right now.

Sympathy cards outnumber the holiday cards

As of today, sympathy cards for Daisy far outweigh our holiday cards. The Daisy flower arrangement is still blooming and someone commented on the number (30 in one place!) of responses to my status update on facebook that Daisy had died. My friend Ginny said Daisy truly was a loved dog. Social media (facebook, blogs, etc) plus having written a book about my crew, have allowed me to share some of our lives with people around the world. I never ever thought we would lose Daisy so early. I finished sending out our 120 holiday cards today. People often tell me they look forward to seeing what I create each year- from the card with photos of the dogs to the letter with their antics and the photo stamp with a photo of someone or something. This year I had gone with one photo of the dogs that also had Joe and Devlan. It was taken in the summer and all of them were in the pool (except Chaco and Daisy who were poolside as usual). I bought labels with Daisy and put Daisy's name on the card as I usually do with the rest of us in the Linn-Gust clan. How could I not? I really thought she'd make it through to the new year- or maybe I was just hopeful. Still, writing the letter was difficult since I had to do it just a few days after her death. It was hard to even remember much of what happened this year before her diagnosis. As I learned with my sister's suicide almost 17 years ago, these losses happen to us and give us an opportunity to teach and help others. I'm sure Daisy is here with me in her own way, nudging my armpit with her cold nose saying, "Duh! That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

Adjusting to a changed life

The house isn't the same since Daisy died. Although she had been with us on and off the last few months because of her bleeding, at least we knew she was still just a few miles away. Now she is with us in a different sense. When my sister died in 1993, I remember going over to the high school and standing in the counseling office with the school counselors. We were talking about Denise and I think I said something about how I didn't know who was going to cut my hair anymore since she was the one who did it. One of the counselors made a comment that so often people forget about those routine things in life. But those "little things" are what we miss most. As I cleaned the house yesterday, something I absolutely detest but find necessary to my sanity, I ran across black hairs everywhere. And it was sad to vacuum Daisy's "spot" behind the living room lounge chair (where the Christmas tree currently stands), knowing I won't walk into the living room to find her there anymore. Life is made up of those little things. Life isn't always grand and exciting. It's a series of small events that happen each day as we go about our lives. And we need to treasure the moments, as insignificant as they seem, because they don't last forever.

Time to let go

We let Daisy go at 10:00 this morning. She had been bleeding excessively the last few days and was collapsing when she had been able to stand before. She was in the yard as the others were running around and she wanted to play but clearly couldn't run with them. She fell down and ended up laying in poop. We knew a transfusion wasn't worth it. It would give us more time but that wouldn't be fair to her. Her blood pressure was so low that the vet had a hard time getting a vein to inject her. She was gone so fast and it was hard to believe that she wasn't breathing anymore. I kept waiting for her to move around, but I know she was looking down on us instead. I had gotten a coin (sign) from my dad several weeks ago that he would be the one to greet her when she arrived at her "new" home. This morning I asked her to send us a sign when she arrived and about an hour or so after we got back from the vet, I turned on the vacuum in the hall and heard a weird noise coming from the kitchen. Joe was in the bedroom and asked me what it was. It freaked me out and I turned the vacuum off. He reminded me that it was the noise Daisy made when she got all excited about something like if someone came to the door. I took the photo right before we left for the vet. She was laying outside on the patio.

Chaco and the roadrunner

Joe took this of Chaco watching our local road runner. I've never seen him venture that close to our house. Joe said Chaco just watched and didn't let out a sound.

And a few more...

Thanksgiving and holiday decor Linn-Gust style

Daisy was pretty tired on Thanksgiving but at the end of our meal, she got up and went right for Devlan who was visiting from Belize (see photo). It was a quiet meal despite Nestle being the lone beggar (Chaco and Hattie were hiding under the table and Daisy was in the next room watching us). I'm including a few photos of our holiday decor with the dogs included.

"The Aftermath of Suicide" workshop

When someone has died by suicide, how do you support the people coping with the loss?
When someone has attempted suicide, how do you support the attempter and his/her family?

Learn from two experts in the suicide field how you can help people grieving the loss of suicide or a suicide attempt. What do you say? What can you do? What are the resources available? This workshop is geared toward anyone who might come in contact with people coping with suicide.

“The Aftermath of Suicide:
Supporting People Coping With Suicide Loss, Suicide Attempters and their Families"

Michelle Linn-Gust, Ph.D.
Michelle is the president-elect of the American Association of Suicidology and an international speaker and writer about suicide postvention and prevention issues. She is the author of Do They Have Bad Days In Heaven? Surviving the Suicide Loss of a Sibling and Ginger’s Gift: Hope and Healing through Dog Companionship, and the forthcoming Rocky Roads: The Journeys of Families through Suicide Grief. She also is a co-founder of the New Mexico Suicide Prevention Coalition.

JoAnn Sartorius, L.I.S.W.
JoAnn's work with high-risk adolescents and their families spans 30 years.
For the last decade, she has concentrated on suicide prevention as well as addressing the aftermath of suicide. Currently, JoAnn works throughout the state as a program coordinator and trainer for school-based suicide prevention programs, is a member of a suicide crisis response team, and presents educational workshops on suicide prevention for youth, school personnel and communities. JoAnn is a co-founder of the New Mexico Suicide Prevention Coalition.

January 21, 2010, 9:00 am to 12:00 pm
United Way Central New Mexico
2340 Alamo Ave. SE, 2nd Floor
Albuquerque, NM

Cost for the workshop is $40,
Counseling and Social Work CEUs (3) are $15 and payable to JoAnn Sartorius at the workshop

Minimum number of participants is 30, maximum is 50.

Registration online at www.chelleheadworks.com or mail a check for $40 per participant with names and email addresses of participants to:
Chellehead Works (check should be made out to Chellehead Works),
1711 Solano Dr, NE, Albuquerque, NM 87110
Questions? Email: info@chelleheadworks.com

PLEASE PRE-REGISTER!!!!!!!

Up and down..up and down...

Daisy did really well most of last week. Thursday, Joe took her to see the holistic vet, Dr. Wilson, and Daisy seemed really tired when they came home. She was okay Friday but not great. On Saturday morning, I caught her licking urine that was leaking out and when Joe got home from his Saturday jaunt to the flea market, Daisy had a fever. The fever only lasted a few hours though and by Saturday evening, she was outside barking at a car next door. Today she's doing really well and the neighbors came over for a while. She looks "spry" as Rich said but we'll see how long it lasts. Tonight, Devlan arrives from Belize so we expect (and hope) she'll have a good week.

Daisy guarding her left over dinner from Nestle tonight

Daisy, the comeback dog

Sunday things were looking really dire. And then Joe found a bump on Daisy's back leg Sunday night. We had planned to euthanize her Tuesday morning after I flew home Monday night. However, Monday morning Joe took Daisy to TLC to see our vet and it turned out that Daisy's platelets were up and the bump was an edema. And Joe said she was glad to see everyone at the clinic. She came home and ran around. We've been going back up the hill since. This morning she was running around with the others just like she always has. The only caveat is that she's feeling so good that she's tearing at her bandage (the tissue is healing so it probably itches). I found bandage pieces all over the house both yesterday morning and this morning. A small price to pay for having her running around. She's also had several ozone treatments and acupuncture which appear to be helping. I'm just glad she's engaged in life. As long as she remains so, we'll keep her here with us.

The time is coming

Although I haven't talked to Joe yet this morning (I flew to Chicago yesterday), it appears that the end of Daisy's life is closer than we had hoped. It's been frustrating. We've done all we could for her and I feel that we might have actually shortened her life. She enjoyed last weekend and on Tuesday morning, she even came up the stairs in the morning like she used to and curled up in the door bed there while I showered (like she always used to). She or Hattie always are my morning company but it's been all Hattie lately. Joe and I went off to Las Vegas for business and took Daisy and Chaco to TLC for boarding and brought in a dog sitter for Nestle and Hattie. When we returned the next day, Daisy's bleeding had picked back up and the tumor had grown. We already had an appointment Thursday for a possible blood transfusion and when we arrived, they had several emergencies. We ended up staying three hours. The longer we were there, the worse that Daisy looked. The vet didn't appear hopeful that a transfusion would be helpful. While they took her blood, we pretty much decided that we would euthanize her that afternoon before it got worse. But they brought her back and said her platelets were better than they thought they were. So we went ahead with the transfusion and picked her up late Thursday night. Yesterday, I left for Chicago and Joe took her to the holistic vet (an appointment that had been set a week ago). They did an ozone treatment and B12 shot. Joe said she was running around the house and fighting Nestle for Chaco's food (Daisy won). The question is: how long will it last?

Flying over the back of the couch

We have decided not to amputate Daisy's leg. After a meeting with the surgeon Tuesday and then a series of tests yesterday, the risks are too great for a good result that most likely wouldn't happen. I'm sure Daisy is glad since she's "gone under" so many times recently. They did find a few small masses on her spleen but the surgeon really doubts they are the cancer spreading. She had one before that the first oncologist felt was old and these new ones are probably more related to her blood issues. We won't be taking her spleen out to biopsy them either. The goal is simply to keep Daisy as comfortable and happy as possible. The surgeon did a great job wrapping her leg and it hasn't bled through for almost 24 hours. That means Daisy has free range of the house and the yard without being told no. Yesterday morning, before we left for the tests, she took a flying leap over the back of the couch to get to the other three dogs who were going outside. The wrap will have to come off every two days but at least it will allow her to have some fun with whatever time is left. Her platelets are low and she has anemia but things have been a little out of routine so we hope that since she's home, we can get her beefed up with some raw meat and other great food items. Joe looks a little lost since he doesn't need to take care of her this morning. I told him to take advantage of it and get a bunch of stuff done!

Missing Daisy on a Sunday

The worst part about not having Daisy here with us is Sundays. The clinic is closed so we can't visit her. After we made the decision to remove her leg, it was as if we were relieved of the pressure of not having options and it seemed like the leg was healing better, although this time with the Chinese herb yunnan baiyao used as a topical and hydrotherapy on the wound. However, it's not scabbing enough and she's still oozing blood. We meet with the surgeon Tuesday and we also never know how she might be healing since we can't see her today. We just miss having Daisy as part of our family (pack) and whatever the case, she needs to be home next weekend and I anticipate she will be home, minus one leg. As long as she can heal up those stitches from where the amputation is done, that's fine by me.

A photo I forgot yesterday

Daisy last week after licking a glass dish. Since she wasn't allowed to move, each time she was finished with something she tried to lay around it. Unless there wasn't enough room, then she decided to lay inside it!

A decision is made

The roller coaster doesn't seem to end but I think today we finally found some relief. Daisy ended up back at TLC and then home again Thursday afternoon. Mom flew in Thursday night and Joe had to hold Daisy down in the bed when we came into the house because she was howling and wanted to get to the excitement the others were running around about. She did well until Saturday morning when Joe woke up and she had been sleeping on the wound and it started to bleed. We ran over to TLC and Dr. Salas put two stitches in but when we got home and she went to squat to go to the bathroom, she popped one and the bleeding never stopped. She bled all weekend and then we took her back to TLC yesterday. Dr. Salas wrapped her leg so she can use it and she was walking around on three legs today. Because we are out of options and can't have another weekend like the one that just passed, we've decided to remove the leg. She'll be fine. I know that. We hope to have the consult appointment scheduled tomorrow and do this as soon as possible. The photo with this blog entry was taken Friday. Daisy has definitely returned to her old self. She refused to wear her lampshade (e-collar) on Sunday night. Today she was standing and sitting in her kennel as much as possible because we kept her down all weekend. She looked really happy. I'm thinking maybe it's a relief to her that her leg is taped up and she doesn't have to try not to use it.

A Ginger's Gift Excerpt

The American Association of Suicidology's Surviving Suicide editor, Ginny Sparrow, printed this in the latest issue of the newsletter. Enjoy!

Daisy comes home!

Daisy has been home for about two hours. We got a call this morning from the clinic that Dr. Salas felt she was ready to go home. We were anticipating bringing her home with the drain and he felt we would be able to empty the drain more often at home than they can there which is fine. Joe just did the first emptying a while ago. She walked into the house and made a beeline to the backyard and then came into my office where she snoozed under my desk until I made dinner for her and her siblings. After two bowls of food, I can see her in a bed across the hall. I'm in my office so I'm guessing she'll stay there until I finish work and head to the kitchen shortly to make dinner. It's such a relief to have her home (and not bleeding ) that I think I'm exhausted. We missed her so much and keep our fingers crossed she won't have to leave again.

Another roller coaster week and an anniversary

I keep thinking that each week things are going to get better and Daisy will be stable and we'll be able to return to somewhat of a routine. I can say that as far as I know today, all is relatively quiet. We can't visit Daisy today because the vet clinic is closed but I think that might be a good thing to help her healing. She had a drain put in last week but it wasn't put in at the hole that was leaking since the hope is to get that hole dried out so it will begin to heal. When we saw her yesterday, the leaking had not fully subsided but was getting close. And Daisy definitely wanted to go home. She was very mellow the first few days she was there but late in the week she showed signs of being her old self (which tells us that she's feeling better and knows she's getting better) which means she's ready to run and play. Joe also said that he could feel part of her hip which he hadn't been able to do since the tumor popped up on her leg. We plan to bring her home Thursday because my mom is coming to visit her from Chicago on Thursday for the weekend. In other news, it was five years ago Friday that I found her at a 5K race here in Albuquerque. She followed the first race walker in. I still don't know what possessed me to take her home but something told me I had to. I didn't think Joe would let me keep her since we already had Chaco and Nestle and he (Joe) had been attacked by a German Shepherd as a kid. Joe was in Thailand at the time and after a day of being followed around by this puppy who wanted to bite my ankles, I was about 15 minutes from calling the other woman who said she would take the dog if the puppy didn't work at my house. It was the intervention of my neighbor who saw the puppy in the window of my door and said that I had to keep her and that Joe would love her. And he did.

The roller coaster none of us want to be on

It's hard to write sometimes. We think things might be stable and then an hour later, we have to throw them (the things that might be stable) out the window. Daisy had another round of chemo on Monday. She was doing really well; she was happy, she even wanted to run a little in the morning. On Tuesday I went out for an appointment and, when I came back, the chemo had taken effect. She was tired and then the tumor started to swell. We expected that. But then she started spurting blood from the incision and it's been stitched up twice since then. The blood spurting were the tumor cells dying off. It held from Friday afternoon until this morning when she was feeling better and wanted to play with the others. Then she started to leak again. Tomorrow, she will move into TLC Pet Hospital, our vet clinic, where they can confine her and get it stable. We hate to do that but we know they will give her great care (and she knows them all). Our house is just too active. Still, knowing her days are numbered will make it hard to leave her there tomorrow.

High Desert Dog magazine article

There's an article in the new issue of High Desert Dog magazine here in New Mexico by me. You can read it online here. It's called "Coping with Loss."

Home again

I got home late Thursday night and I've been on recovery since. Life has been hectic since Daisy's tumor popped out on August 23rd and I already had a full schedule planned before that. It's been nice to have a quiet weekend at home. Daisy seemed to be happy that I had returned home. She's sitting here in my office now. She doesn't always come into my office so when she does, a part of me doesn't want to leave. I want to stay with her since she wants to be with me. The picture attached to this blog was taken by Joe when I was gone. Daisy was pretty sick most of the week (following her chemo) and it was one of the times recently that Nestle took on her prior role as Daisy's mom. When I brought Daisy home as a puppy, Nestle was the one who took care of her and then Daisy did the same for Hattie as a puppy.

Daisy gets Chemo

I'm in Santa Monica, speaking at Loyola Marymount tomorrow. Before I left Albuquerque yesterday, Daisy had an appointment with a different oncologist. She underwent a local chemotherapy treatment and we took her home right before I left for the airport. She has a good chance of shrinking the tumor if she accepts the chemo and lets it do its job. Joe takes her back to the oncology clinic tomorrow and they will have a good idea if the chemo will take or not. We have all limbs crossed, prayers said.

A Growing Tumor

As I write this, it's about 3:00 on Sunday afternoon and I'm going swimming as soon as I'm done. I head to Los Angeles tomorrow for a few days and I'm excited because I'm working on several projects plus speaking there. But the trip is tempered by the fact that Daisy's tumor has grown. While we've been doing the Chines herbs and giving her homemade food for the week, it still grew. Tomorrow she sees a new oncologist who we have been told has had good luck shrinking these kinds of tumors. I'm guessing that while I'm gone this week, she will be getting chemo or radiation. It's hard to watch her. She can't decide if she should hobble on three legs, drag the leg with the tumor on her hip, or limp. She tries all three. She is mostly alert and wants to be a part of family life as much as the tumor will allow her. We have been wondering if maybe Daisy hurt her leg on August 30 when chasing Hattie and that caused the tumor to explode. The holistic vet told Joe this was possible. That makes me think that possibly we have been given more time with Daisy, a chance to give her a longer life because these kinds of tumors usually give no warning and are a death sentence for all dogs (I have yet to hear of one that lived longer than two years after diagnosis). It's possible that if she hadn't hurt her leg, the cancer would have spread across her body and it would have been too late for us to help her by the time she became listless from it and found out it had spread into her internal organs. From where I'm standing now, I don't understand why this is happening. I realize that one day I will but it's still a struggle to see why this has happened to such a good dog whose only offense in life was to drag me across the park. My friend Teresa, an intuitive type, believes Daisy was a rescue dog in a past life because any time we have a child in our pool, Daisy is always trying to save the child (usually by trying to grab the raft he or she is swimming on). Teresa suggested that maybe in this life, Joe and I are supposed to rescue Daisy. I'm not sure if that means by my bringing her home as puppy from that 5K race just about five years ago or now with her cancer. We'll know soon enough.

Daisy visits a senior center

I did a presentation today at the Meadowlark Senior Center in Rio Rancho. It had been scheduled a few months ago, long before Daisy got sick. Lorrie, the person who contacted me, said I could bring a dog so I took Daisy. She is a former "puller" but since she's been sick, she has really slowed down. However, being among all the people today must have excited her because she pulled and pulled. She got lots of compliments in the hall. The presentation went well and we discussed Daisy's holistic cancer treatment as well as my work on how people use dogs to help cope after human loss. They say 1 in 4 dogs gets cancer so I'm obviously not the only person going through this. One woman said my presentation made her think about her dog differently. It also seems like maybe there's a greater purpose to Daisy being sick. I took her because I want to give her as much social interaction as possible but maybe she's supposed to help other people in some way as well. I believe, despite the raw awful pain, that we are put where we are supposed to be at any one moment although sometimes we can't quite understand it from where we are currently standing.

Driving Miss Daisy

I had hoped to blog Friday but I was driving Daisy around and by the time we got to evening, I was exhausted. We first went to go see our friend Joe S. Sausage, who now has a sausage shop, but used to dog sit for the crew. We would drop them off at Joe's place in ABQ and the dogs had a great time. Once, we were gone for Daisy's birthday and Joe sang happy birthday to her although he said she gave him a funny look as he was doing it. Another time, Hattie would jump out of the dog area he had and then Daisy would bark because Hattie had jumped out. Joe would walk out to see Hattie sitting by the gate, wanting to be let back into the dog area. He eventually kept her in the house because he got tired of letting her back in but he said that all the dogs would have a big reunion after being separated for only a little while. After spending some time with Joe, Daisy had an appointment with a holistic veterinarian in town. She liked Dr. Wilson, preferring to nap by her instead of me, but isn't a fan of the Chinese herbs. What she doesn't know now is that I am mixing them into the homemade meal she is getting now. I know, I'm so sneaky! Finally, we stopped at our clinic, TLC Pet Hospital, to have Daisy's staples removed. I can't remember the last time I had three appointments in one day....

Watching the world go by

Sleeping with Daisy

The idea of losing someone or something we care about does strange things to us. While we often think we know how we will act, we usually find that we act in ways that surprise us. I have been sleeping in the guestroom of my house the last few nights, simply because Daisy can't always make it up to the stairs to the master bedroom. Sometimes in the morning she will hang out with me while I shower and get ready for the day, but more often, she stays downstairs because of the mass that is growing on her hip. Before the mass popped out, every night by 8 pm, she would go upstairs by herself and sleep in the dog bed. She'd stay until some time after I went to bed. By morning, she would wake me up between 4 am and 5 am to let me know she needed to go out and that it was getting to be time to get up. Not knowing how many days she has left, I keep thinking it's best to be close to her. Last night she got in the bed with me and stayed a few hours. When I woke up at 3 am, she came back and stayed for a while longer. The master bedroom always will be there. I don't know how long Daisy will be with me though.

How I miss being dragged across the park

Yesterday, when I was finishing up walking Nestle and Hattie, a woman ran by me and said, "One day, those dogs won't drag you through the park anymore." I called back, "And I'll miss that!" What she didn't know is that Daisy was at home, unable to drag me through the park anymore. It wasn't like that I particularly liked when Daisy hightailed it across the greenery with me pulling behind, what I appreciated was that Daisy was the only being (canine or human) who could push me that hard. When I needed a good run, I could count on Daisy to be the one to make sure I got it in the morning, especially when we ran by Omar's house (Omar is a Chow) because Daisy had a love-hate relationship with the birds who feed off the seed there. This morning, Daisy was waiting in the window as I took out her siblings for their run-walks. It was one of the first mornings I had seen her waiting for us in a while. I felt bad and walked her to the park, a short distance around it, and then home again. That's about all her left leg can handle with the mass on her hip. By the walk home, she was trying not to walk on it. But when we reached home, she began to chase Hattie and they played hard for awhile, something they haven't been able to do for a while either. There are no limits to what Daisy can do now. We're not holding her back, instead allowing her to live each day as fully as possible. And one day maybe I'll get over not being dragged through the park by her.

A Day That Has Come Too Soon

I knew the day would come but I didn't expect it to so soon. Three weeks ago, Daisy, out of nowhere, developed a large mass on her left hip. After three weeks including a suspicious lab report, then several tests, then another biopsy, today it was confirmed that she has hemangiosarcoma (I can barely say that, much less spell it). It's an aggressive cancer that especially seems to like German Shepherds. What has made this especially difficult is that she only is five. On Saturday, she took a bad turn and ended up with a blood transfusion. I flew home from Chicago on Sunday and she was doing better. She is doing well now and we're letting her enjoy the heck out of the time she has with us. They say she possibly has three months left but we don't know that for sure. We'll try to beef up her red blood cells and roll and frolick with Hattie all she wants. I know one day I'll understand why her time with us was so short. I do know that Jolene, the woman who was going to take Daisy if it didn't work out at my house when she was a puppy, said she is a really special dog and she truly has affected a lot of lives. Life is so short, enjoy each moment we have with each other.

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day

A simple thing you can do today in remembrance of World Suicide Prevention Day is to light a candle at 8:00 pm your time. Do this in memory of someone who died by suicide, for the hope of someone who has attempted suicide, for concern for a family that is grieving someone who either died by suicide or attempted suicide, or in support of suicide prevention.

National Suicide Prevention Week

Today marks the start of National Suicide Prevention Week. It's no different than CPR. Everyone should know the signs of depression and suicide. Please take the time to become aware of them on the American Association of Suicidology web site.

Not just the loss of a human, also the loss of dogs

As the death of Ted Kennedy settles in, there is a lot of change in the air for the people whose paths he crossed. An article appeared on Politico about how people won't be seeing his dogs around the senate buildings and the Capitol anymore. The article reflects the changing perspective of animals as members of our families. I work from home so I have my dogs with me all day but Kennedy taking his dogs to work with him is still unheard of for most people. What's even more unheard of is how many people say they will miss seeing the dogs around.

October 20th workshop, The aftermath of suicide, Albuquerque

When someone has died by suicide, how do you support the people coping with the loss?
When someone has attempted suicide, how do you support the attempter and his/her family?
Learn from two experts in the suicide field how you can help people grieving the loss of suicide or a suicide attempt. What do you say? What can you do? What are the resources available? This workshop is geared toward lay anyone who might come in contact with people coping with suicide.
“The Aftermath of Suicide:
Supporting People Coping With Suicide Loss, Suicide Attempters and their Families”
Michelle Linn-Gust, Ph.D.
Michelle is the president-elect of the American Association of Suicidology and an international speaker and writer about suicide postvention and prevention issues. She is the author of Do They Have Bad Days In Heaven? Surviving the Suicide Loss of a Sibling and Ginger’s Gift: Hope and Healing through Dog Companionship. She also is a co-founder of the New Mexico Suicide Prevention Coalition.
JoAnn Sartorius, L.I.S.W.
JoAnn’s work with high-risk adolescents and their families spans 30 years.
For the last decade, she has concentrated on suicide prevention as well as addressing the aftermath of suicide. Currently, JoAnn works throughout the state as a program coordinator and trainer for school-based suicide prevention programs, is a member of a suicide crisis response team, and presents educational workshops on suicide prevention for youth, school personnel and communities. JoAnn is a co-founder of the New Mexico Suicide Prevention Coalition.
October 20, 1:00 pm to 4:00 pm
United Way Central New Mexico
2340 Alamo Ave. SE, 2nd Floor
Albuquerque, NM
Cost for the workshop is $40,
Counseling and Social Work CEUs (3) are $15 and payable to JoAnn Sartorius at the workshop
Minimum number of participants is 30, maximum is 50.
Registration online at www.chelleheadworks.com or mail a check for $40 per participant with names and email addresses of participants to:
Chellehead Works (check should be made out to Chellehead Works),
1711 Solano Dr, NE, Albuquerque, NM 87110
Questions? Email: info@chelleheadworks.com
PLEASE PRE-REGISTER ASAP TO ENSURE YOUR SPOT!!!!!!!

Photos 2006

A few August photos

We had a fish fest yesterday since Devlan brought some fish from Belize with him (still frozen when he arrived!). I'm posting a few photos from the day of the dogs and one of Nestle who decided to take a nap between my feet.

Happy 4th Birthday, Hattie!

Hattie turned four today. It's hard to believe it's been almost four years since Hurricane Katrina changed so many lives, including ours. We will never know what the very beginning of Hattie's life was like but we know she's a happy dog, er, queen of the Linn-Gust House (don't tell Nestle!). I wanted a Golden Retriever, Joe brought me a Cur we named Hattie. She was meant to be part of our family and we're grateful for all the dogs who also got adopted because of Hattie. Joe's friend Craig returned to Mississippi and took 15 dogs to Maine where they found new homes (except the one who died). Happy birthday, Hattie!

More photos

Devlan arrives from Caye Caulker, Belize

Our friend Devlan has arrived from Caye Caulker, Belize, on Sunday. The dogs are happy campers, as seen in the photos, now that their buddy is here. They can be seen going in and out of Devlan's room in the morning, wanting to sleep with him (except Chaco who only sleeps at the foot of the stairs below me- he is my security). Yesterday Devlan's door was shut and Hattie was laying outside his door in the hallway waiting for him to get up. It took a day but Hattie finally swam to Devlan and climbed on his back so he could walk her around the pool (see photo).

National Suicide Prevention Week

National Suicide Prevention week is September 6 - 12, 2009. The American Association of Suicidology has some information that can help you plan activities in your community. View the link here.

The Dougy Center Fire

The Dougy Center is an incredible place for grieving children and families. Many centers in the US are based on it. In June, the building was in burned down by an arsonist. If you can help with any donation, please do. The service they offer to children and families is so important to help repair lives and help people find hope again after loss. The web site is here.

Purple and turquoise pins for suicide prevention

World Suicide Prevention Day is September 10. We’ve been using the colors purple and turquoise for people to show their support for people who have lost loved ones to suicide for several years. The color scheme was started by Sandy Martin and me when we were discussing how the suicide cause had no color but because many causes already use one color, we decided to go with two. We chose purple and turquoise because they are healing colors and our hope is that we can help people show their support for lives that have been altered in some way by suicide and show hope for the future with suicide prevention. Please order your pins soon here!

Looking for Dog Rescue Organizations

We're looking for dog rescue organizations that would like to buy discounted copies of Ginger's Gift to sell and then let the organization keep the profit. Any interested organizations should contact me at: michelle@gingersgift.com. We want to help where we can!

The loss of a 13-year-old girl

Yesterday, I found a friend of mine, who I work with in the suicide world, had a heart attack on Friday. This rocked my reality. Although his daughters are about my age, sometimes we think people will live forever. And it's a reality check for him and his family as well. A short time later in the morning, I found out that the daughter of one of Denise's childhood friends (they go back to elementary school) had died of a brain tumor yesterday morning. She was 13. It was through facebook that we had connected because I had posted some photos of Denise and her Brownie troop and some birthday parties and Jen saw them and friended me. She worked tirelessly to help her daughter since her diagnosis last fall. I haven't been able to stop thinking about their road and reading the blog entries of the journey of Brianna and her family. Jen wrote how Brianna told her she didn't want to die. While it's a different kind of death than suicide, it's still a loss and the one of a young person always is painful. I know the grief journey they are on and I hope they continue to feel Brianna's presence in their lives because she is now with them, although in a different sense, and guiding them as they move forward without her physical presence.

Pooch sitting at the Linn-Gust house

I am in Los Angeles, on my way back to Albuquerque after spending last night here in Santa Monica to attend a memorial service for Ed Shneidman, founder of suicidology, at UCLA. My friend Virginia was kind enough to watch the crew for me as Joe is out of town as well. She came over two days before I left and the dogs were her best friends while we sat at the edge of the pool. Chaco licked her face (which he hardly does for anyone) and Daisy and Hattie tried to play on top of her (or Hattie tried to use Virginia to block Daisy) and Nestle was, well, simply Nestle. The morning I left, Chaco's look said it all. He allowed me to pet him and didn't want me to stop. My first dog report came last night. Chaco had barked and growled and then went away (typical for him when someone new is watching him), Nestle went for the pool, Hattie didn't eat, but Daisy allowed Virginia to brush her (which she doesn't do for me). The second report came a few hours ago. Daisy and Hattie had once again tried to play when Virginia was sitting on the couch by the tv. She wanted to know how I deal with the commotion. Honestly? It doesn't bother me. I'm not exactly sure why but I was a high school teacher at one time and I know how to shut the crew up pretty fast and send them hiding in corners. And they are loud at certain times of day, first thing in the morning until everyone has been run and eaten, about midday, then around 4:00 pm. We have a routine. The rest of the time, they mostly keep to themselves so I can work. But I realize that's our routine and when Mom's away....

Middle-aged Shepherd in New Mexico needs a home

A friend emailed this information last night. She's trying to find a home for the dog in the photo. The dog is in New Mexico. If you're interested, please email me at michelle@gingersgift.com and I'll forward you the contact information. Thanks!

Hattie goes over the wall...again!

Hattie Hattie Hattie. I was in the shower this morning (Joe isn't here) and when I got out, Nestle was barking. Knowing that Nestle barks at everything, I yelled at her to be quiet. Then the doorbell rang. I ran downstairs to see that three dogs were at the door. Hattie was missing. I knew then that she had gone over the 6-foot wall and when I looked out the window there was my neighbor Rich holding her. She immediately went underneath the couch when she entered the house. Hattie is laying under the table here where I'm working now. At some point it will be funny but I was shaking this morning after it happened. She seems to have been mentally shaken by it although she is physically okay. Her brain isn't exactly big and she's acting on impulse. She gets on top of the wall or over it after hearing a dog or something else. She goes after it and then I think she is wondering, what now? The important thing she is home safe and I'll shut the back door tomorrow morning when I shower.

The importance of dogs vs. the cost of vet care

None of us are immune. These are difficult times. Life itself is difficult. Each day we can be thrown any number of hurdles. Over the past few days, I've been subjected to two different circumstances that illustrate both the importance of pets and also the difficulties of paying for their care when times are tough. My first grade locker partner and I have reconnected on facebook and she recently adopted a puppy but he had to be weaned from his mother, etc. A week ago, Julie's mother died after a long illness and they buried her on Wednesday. Yesterday on facebook, Julie had posted photos that Marvin had come home it looks like either Thursday or Friday. I kept thinking of the importance of this event (I don't believe in coincidence anymore- this was meant to happen the way it did) and how Marvin came home just as Julie would need him most. On the other side of coin, there is a man who walks in the same park I walk my crew. He has two dogs who are older. A mutual friend who I walk with told me that one of his dogs (who is 14 years old) has an infection due to a seedling stuck between his pads but he can't afford vet care because he can't even pay his mortgage this month. His dogs are clearly important to him and he walks them consistently everyday. The dog already was declining in health, probably because of his age and now the man is struggling with what to do for the future of his dog who also clearly has been his companion for a long time. I can't even think of a line to finish off this posting because nothing seems to wrap it up. Maybe nothing is supposed to and I should just end it here.

Workshop on helping the bereaved by suicide

When someone has died by suicide, how do you support the people coping with the loss?
When someone has attempted suicide, how do you support the attempter and his/her family?

Learn from two experts in the suicide field how you can help people grieving the loss of suicide or a suicide attempt. What do you say? What can you do? What are the resources available? This workshop is geared toward lay people (churches, community-service organizations, family members, and anyone else who might come in contact with people coping with suicide).

“The Aftermath of Suicide:
Supporting People Coping With Suicide Loss, Suicide Attempters and their Families"


Michelle Linn-Gust, Ph.D.
Michelle is the president-elect of the American Association of Suicidology and an international speaker and writer about suicide postvention and prevention issues. She is the author of Do They Have Bad Days In Heaven? Surviving the Suicide Loss of a Sibling and Ginger’s Gift: Hope and Healing through Dog Companionship. She also is a co-founder of the New Mexico Suicide Prevention Coalition.


JoAnn Sartorius, L.I.S.W.
JoAnn's work with high-risk adolescents and their families spans 30 years.
For the last decade, she has concentrated on suicide prevention as well as addressing the aftermath of suicide. Currently, JoAnn works throughout the state as a program coordinator and trainer for school-based suicide prevention programs, is a member of a suicide crisis response team, and presents educational workshops on suicide prevention for youth, school personnel and communities. JoAnn is a co-founder of the New Mexico Suicide Prevention Coalition.


August 25th, 10:00 am to 1:00 pm
Los Griegos Community Center
1231 Candelaria NW
Albuquerque, NM 87107

Cost for the workshop is $40

Minimum number of participants is 30, maximum is 50.

Registration online at www.chelleheadworks.com
Questions? Email: info@chelleheadworks.com

Change no matter where we are

I flew to Chicago yesterday via Denver and Lincoln, NE, (don't ask me...you'd think United would want to keep me on fewer planes when I'm using a frequent flyer ticket I payed $10 for....). It was a cloudy and cool day in Naperville so this afternoon I took Ginger and Daisy for a walk. Daisy now has been with Mom for about seven months and seems really happy in her new life. She had very wiry fur that now is almost gone and turned more yellow than the former white it was and also is a soft as, well, a furry dog. Mom says it was her thyroid that did it and now that she's on medication, she's looking more like the yellow lab that she is. Ginger is Ginger. Some things never change. Ginger still opens the cabinet door when Mom leaves and we joke that Daisy stands at the window saying, "You better hurry! She's pulling up in the driveway now!" Mom doesn't keep the garbage there anymore. But on our afternoon walk through Brush Hill Park, it was sad to see one of the last parcels of farmland now gone. In fact, where Ginger and I once walked next to corn, they were putting up a fence today for what I assume is a car dealership on the other side. Change is inevitable but it was good for the last three years that when Ginger and I would walk, at least I felt close to some sort of Midwestern farm with the corn there. Each day I pray that I keep moving forward in my life but somehow there are some things I wish could stay the same. I guess I can't have my corn, er cake, and eat it too.

Howard Gluss radio show on celebrity death

I'm set to appear on the Howard Gluss radio show Friday night at 8 PM PST where we'll discuss how people cope with celebrity death. It seems that we are somehow intertwined with celebrities in our lives, even those of us whose lives don't revolve around them. I admit that I have been affected by MJ's death. I was never a big fan although my sister and I watched his videos over and over (there was one channel that seemed to play the same group of videos all the time). But I am not heartbroken like I heard one woman crying on the radio the evening he died when I was driving to get some take out for dinner. It's a loss and affects people. And it needs to be acknowledged so that people can cope. My hope is that MJ took away from this life what he was supposed to learn.

Farrah, Michael, Denise, and Bonnie

When I found out that Farrah Fawcett had anal cancer, I was taken back to the cancer of my friend Bonnie who died 3 1/2 years ago. I was with Bonnie almost everyday, as long as I was in town, until her death a few months later. Today is my 10th wedding anniversary and it was Bonnie who sewed my wedding dress. Bonnie had the same cancer as Farrah. I had a Farrah haircut in fifth grade and my older sister was a big "Charlie's Angels" fan. My cousins had a gerbil named Farrah. Farrah was part of my 1970s. After I found out Farrah died yesterday, I had a hard time wrapping my head around it. I knew it was coming but sometimes it's hard to imagine someone we saw as so strong and beautiful as having deteriorated and then dying. After my husband told me about Michael Jackson's death, I thought back to my sister Denise. I was coming of age when "Thriller" came out and I sware Denise had a "PYT" shirt (I can't confirm this since my mom doesn't remember!). I never owned the "Thriller" tape but I think she did. His songs were at the top of the charts as we ambled through school and adolescence, our teen years, and life. As Dick Clark says about music on general, for us MJ's songs are on the soundtracks of our lives. Each time something that is part of my history, part of my life, ends or dies, especially when it relates to my sister or my dad or Bonnie or anyone else in my life who has died, I feel like another little piece of my life is chipped away. I hold the memories but that's it. I can't grasp the rest of it with my arms because it's not here anymore. But I am always reminded that these people have left because they accomplished what they were supposed to teach us and it was time to go. We are sad because they are gone but they all left us something behind. We wouldn't feel a need to let any emotion escape via tears or sadness if they didn't.

Mulling over scenes for the Ginger's Gift screenplay

I've been mulling over scenes for the Ginger's Gift screenplay in the last week. While writing a screenplay and making a movie has been on my list of things that I have wanted to do since I was oh, probably 13, this is the first time I'm attempting it. I have been reading the "Marley & Me" screenplay to use as a guide and it's interesting to see what was supposed to be shot and what actually turned into the movie. What I struggle with most as I do this, is how do I make it as close to the book as possible? I always see how books change as they are made into movies and now I'm understanding the true difficulty of this because it needs to be a powerful screenplay yet be true to my story. More to come as I continue to form and mold my notes into a piece of work.

Father's Day, Michelle Style without my Dad

Today is Father's Day, a time when we traditionally buy dad a gift of something he wants (not needs!). If you spend enough time looking at the newspaper ads and the commercials on tv, you'll know that these things could be clothes, grilling supplies, sports equipment, even a new drill. But for those of us without a dad here on earth, it's a sad day. Each time I push my cart through Target on my way to the food section, I pass the greeting card aisle where I'm reminded that there is no card to buy my dad anymore. I see the ones with grills or the argyle sweaters and I want to grab and them and pick them. Until I remember I don't have anyone to send one to. Instead, today I will make samosas and read the Marley & Me script (we're getting ready to start the Ginger's Gift screenplay) at my pool in the sunshine. My dad is with me, I am sure of that, but it's not quite the same without him to call and have a chat about the bugs that are eating my sunflowers and the price of gas. To everyone who has experienced a father loss, I'm thinking of you today.

Happy 5th birthday Daisy!

Daisy turned five today. It's hard to believe that we've had her that long and it's hard to believe that just 4 1/2 years ago, I brought her home after she followed a race walker at a 5K I was running in. I really didn't expect to keep her but I can't imagine life without her although most times she could do without me since I'm the one who chases her around the house to be brushed, put meds in ears/down her throat, and trims her nails. We had the house appraised for a refi today and I took all four dogs in the car to see Joe Sausage during the appraisal. Everyone did well although they were exhausted when we got back and Nestle could barely keep her eyes open while she was in the pool (although that didn't keep her from barking when I was on the phone with Mom a bit later...). They all are passed out in various places of the house now. I got Daisy a Three Dog Bakery cake and you can see in the photos that Nestle knew exactly what was in the box. While we gave Daisy first bite of the cake, each dog got a piece.

Video about a Family's Grief...Years Later

This video was made by fellow sibling survivor and filmmaker Jeff Orgill about his family years following his brother’s suicide. Jeff created the video for the AAS conference in April where he was speaking on a panel about men’s grief. Please check it out and pass it along.

Article from Australia that quotes me

This article just appeared June 11 (although it's still June 10 here in New Mexico!) in Australia.

Wilson comes to swim

Jim Zim, Chaco's founder, came to visit today with his old roommate Matt and Matt's dog Wilson. Wilson is 125-pound Newfie. I admit I am worn out and it's 5:20 and my friend is Virginia is due any time for dinner. My dogs are pretty boring when someone comes to visit. I'm not sure what it is. Do they only like to play with each other? It's a little embarrassing. Wilson did a Chaco and Daisy, he likes rivers and lakes but was leery of the pool. Didn't really like the ball but liked the stick. Matt finally got him to at least go to the second step to retrieve the stick.