The Anniversary of Daisy's Death Looms

It's the evening before Thanksgiving and all I can think about is how last year this time we were coming up on Daisy's last weekend with us. We had hoped she would make it to Christmas, but she only could last through Devlan's visit from Belize. Although I was disappointed that we have no houseguests for Thanksgiving this year, I am grateful for Veronica, our cleaning lady, who invited us to her house for an evening of Mexican food instead. On Friday, I will cook our turkey and our traditional meal. Sometimes when these first anniversaries loom, we need to mix up our plans and do something different. Over the weekend, I received an email from a man who had read my article in High Desert Dog about Daisy's cancer. He said his two-year-old German Shepherd was going through the same thing and wanted some help. His dog has been given just two weeks to live and probably will be euthanized next week because of the deterioration to the dog's hip from the tumor. I'm sure I'm more sensitive to all this now with Daisy's death happening a year ago on December 2, but no matter, it's still sad.I try to give Gidget extra attention and take her outside to play ball more. It's hard not to linger in the past because it is our path to the present but none of us should stay there. Enjoy the present while we have it. Happy Thanksgiving.

Gidget is 37.7 pounds! Yikes!

I am in Chicago but the report from home is that Gidget now weighs 37.7 pounds. She's not quite six months. When I got Daisy who was about five to six months old, she was 26 pounds. She also had a parasite but yikes is Gidget going to be a big girl! About a week ago, it was like her legs grew in a matter of hours. I saw her standing out on the pool cover and at the same time Joe (who was looking at her out another window), and I remarked how long her legs looked. I'm attaching a few more photo of her and the others. Joe took Gidget to see the holistic vet, Dr. Wilson, yesterday because we've been having issues with Gidget eating everything in the yard and our concern for her intestinal tract. Joe talked to Dr. Wilson about how we would do things differently knowing hindsight obviously is 20-20 since Daisy died. I was thinking this morning about all the people who post on various sites how much the supplements and this or that that they gave their dog have been working. But I look back on Daisy's life and I don't think any of that would have helped even without the chemo that caused the tumor to rupture. It appears to me that Daisy's life was supposed to be short and we extended it because we thought we were trying to help her. Now I see that we should have tried to help her by keeping her comfortable and letting her go when she was ready which would have been sooner than we would have allowed. Lesson learned.

Advocating to fight canine cancer

Daisy's photo is up on the memorial page of the web site Fight Canine Cancer. There also is a facebook page called Georgia's Legacy. If you're a facebook user, please become a fan of this page. As in the work that the bereaved have done in suicide prevention, the cure for canine cancer will only come through the advocating efforts of people who have lost a dog to the evil disease.

Adjusting to a changed life

The house isn't the same since Daisy died. Although she had been with us on and off the last few months because of her bleeding, at least we knew she was still just a few miles away. Now she is with us in a different sense. When my sister died in 1993, I remember going over to the high school and standing in the counseling office with the school counselors. We were talking about Denise and I think I said something about how I didn't know who was going to cut my hair anymore since she was the one who did it. One of the counselors made a comment that so often people forget about those routine things in life. But those "little things" are what we miss most. As I cleaned the house yesterday, something I absolutely detest but find necessary to my sanity, I ran across black hairs everywhere. And it was sad to vacuum Daisy's "spot" behind the living room lounge chair (where the Christmas tree currently stands), knowing I won't walk into the living room to find her there anymore. Life is made up of those little things. Life isn't always grand and exciting. It's a series of small events that happen each day as we go about our lives. And we need to treasure the moments, as insignificant as they seem, because they don't last forever.

Time to let go

We let Daisy go at 10:00 this morning. She had been bleeding excessively the last few days and was collapsing when she had been able to stand before. She was in the yard as the others were running around and she wanted to play but clearly couldn't run with them. She fell down and ended up laying in poop. We knew a transfusion wasn't worth it. It would give us more time but that wouldn't be fair to her. Her blood pressure was so low that the vet had a hard time getting a vein to inject her. She was gone so fast and it was hard to believe that she wasn't breathing anymore. I kept waiting for her to move around, but I know she was looking down on us instead. I had gotten a coin (sign) from my dad several weeks ago that he would be the one to greet her when she arrived at her "new" home. This morning I asked her to send us a sign when she arrived and about an hour or so after we got back from the vet, I turned on the vacuum in the hall and heard a weird noise coming from the kitchen. Joe was in the bedroom and asked me what it was. It freaked me out and I turned the vacuum off. He reminded me that it was the noise Daisy made when she got all excited about something like if someone came to the door. I took the photo right before we left for the vet. She was laying outside on the patio.

Up and down..up and down...

Daisy did really well most of last week. Thursday, Joe took her to see the holistic vet, Dr. Wilson, and Daisy seemed really tired when they came home. She was okay Friday but not great. On Saturday morning, I caught her licking urine that was leaking out and when Joe got home from his Saturday jaunt to the flea market, Daisy had a fever. The fever only lasted a few hours though and by Saturday evening, she was outside barking at a car next door. Today she's doing really well and the neighbors came over for a while. She looks "spry" as Rich said but we'll see how long it lasts. Tonight, Devlan arrives from Belize so we expect (and hope) she'll have a good week.

Daisy guarding her left over dinner from Nestle tonight

Daisy, the comeback dog

Sunday things were looking really dire. And then Joe found a bump on Daisy's back leg Sunday night. We had planned to euthanize her Tuesday morning after I flew home Monday night. However, Monday morning Joe took Daisy to TLC to see our vet and it turned out that Daisy's platelets were up and the bump was an edema. And Joe said she was glad to see everyone at the clinic. She came home and ran around. We've been going back up the hill since. This morning she was running around with the others just like she always has. The only caveat is that she's feeling so good that she's tearing at her bandage (the tissue is healing so it probably itches). I found bandage pieces all over the house both yesterday morning and this morning. A small price to pay for having her running around. She's also had several ozone treatments and acupuncture which appear to be helping. I'm just glad she's engaged in life. As long as she remains so, we'll keep her here with us.

The time is coming

Although I haven't talked to Joe yet this morning (I flew to Chicago yesterday), it appears that the end of Daisy's life is closer than we had hoped. It's been frustrating. We've done all we could for her and I feel that we might have actually shortened her life. She enjoyed last weekend and on Tuesday morning, she even came up the stairs in the morning like she used to and curled up in the door bed there while I showered (like she always used to). She or Hattie always are my morning company but it's been all Hattie lately. Joe and I went off to Las Vegas for business and took Daisy and Chaco to TLC for boarding and brought in a dog sitter for Nestle and Hattie. When we returned the next day, Daisy's bleeding had picked back up and the tumor had grown. We already had an appointment Thursday for a possible blood transfusion and when we arrived, they had several emergencies. We ended up staying three hours. The longer we were there, the worse that Daisy looked. The vet didn't appear hopeful that a transfusion would be helpful. While they took her blood, we pretty much decided that we would euthanize her that afternoon before it got worse. But they brought her back and said her platelets were better than they thought they were. So we went ahead with the transfusion and picked her up late Thursday night. Yesterday, I left for Chicago and Joe took her to the holistic vet (an appointment that had been set a week ago). They did an ozone treatment and B12 shot. Joe said she was running around the house and fighting Nestle for Chaco's food (Daisy won). The question is: how long will it last?

Flying over the back of the couch

We have decided not to amputate Daisy's leg. After a meeting with the surgeon Tuesday and then a series of tests yesterday, the risks are too great for a good result that most likely wouldn't happen. I'm sure Daisy is glad since she's "gone under" so many times recently. They did find a few small masses on her spleen but the surgeon really doubts they are the cancer spreading. She had one before that the first oncologist felt was old and these new ones are probably more related to her blood issues. We won't be taking her spleen out to biopsy them either. The goal is simply to keep Daisy as comfortable and happy as possible. The surgeon did a great job wrapping her leg and it hasn't bled through for almost 24 hours. That means Daisy has free range of the house and the yard without being told no. Yesterday morning, before we left for the tests, she took a flying leap over the back of the couch to get to the other three dogs who were going outside. The wrap will have to come off every two days but at least it will allow her to have some fun with whatever time is left. Her platelets are low and she has anemia but things have been a little out of routine so we hope that since she's home, we can get her beefed up with some raw meat and other great food items. Joe looks a little lost since he doesn't need to take care of her this morning. I told him to take advantage of it and get a bunch of stuff done!

Missing Daisy on a Sunday

The worst part about not having Daisy here with us is Sundays. The clinic is closed so we can't visit her. After we made the decision to remove her leg, it was as if we were relieved of the pressure of not having options and it seemed like the leg was healing better, although this time with the Chinese herb yunnan baiyao used as a topical and hydrotherapy on the wound. However, it's not scabbing enough and she's still oozing blood. We meet with the surgeon Tuesday and we also never know how she might be healing since we can't see her today. We just miss having Daisy as part of our family (pack) and whatever the case, she needs to be home next weekend and I anticipate she will be home, minus one leg. As long as she can heal up those stitches from where the amputation is done, that's fine by me.

A photo I forgot yesterday

Daisy last week after licking a glass dish. Since she wasn't allowed to move, each time she was finished with something she tried to lay around it. Unless there wasn't enough room, then she decided to lay inside it!

A decision is made

The roller coaster doesn't seem to end but I think today we finally found some relief. Daisy ended up back at TLC and then home again Thursday afternoon. Mom flew in Thursday night and Joe had to hold Daisy down in the bed when we came into the house because she was howling and wanted to get to the excitement the others were running around about. She did well until Saturday morning when Joe woke up and she had been sleeping on the wound and it started to bleed. We ran over to TLC and Dr. Salas put two stitches in but when we got home and she went to squat to go to the bathroom, she popped one and the bleeding never stopped. She bled all weekend and then we took her back to TLC yesterday. Dr. Salas wrapped her leg so she can use it and she was walking around on three legs today. Because we are out of options and can't have another weekend like the one that just passed, we've decided to remove the leg. She'll be fine. I know that. We hope to have the consult appointment scheduled tomorrow and do this as soon as possible. The photo with this blog entry was taken Friday. Daisy has definitely returned to her old self. She refused to wear her lampshade (e-collar) on Sunday night. Today she was standing and sitting in her kennel as much as possible because we kept her down all weekend. She looked really happy. I'm thinking maybe it's a relief to her that her leg is taped up and she doesn't have to try not to use it.

Daisy comes home!

Daisy has been home for about two hours. We got a call this morning from the clinic that Dr. Salas felt she was ready to go home. We were anticipating bringing her home with the drain and he felt we would be able to empty the drain more often at home than they can there which is fine. Joe just did the first emptying a while ago. She walked into the house and made a beeline to the backyard and then came into my office where she snoozed under my desk until I made dinner for her and her siblings. After two bowls of food, I can see her in a bed across the hall. I'm in my office so I'm guessing she'll stay there until I finish work and head to the kitchen shortly to make dinner. It's such a relief to have her home (and not bleeding ) that I think I'm exhausted. We missed her so much and keep our fingers crossed she won't have to leave again.

Another roller coaster week and an anniversary

I keep thinking that each week things are going to get better and Daisy will be stable and we'll be able to return to somewhat of a routine. I can say that as far as I know today, all is relatively quiet. We can't visit Daisy today because the vet clinic is closed but I think that might be a good thing to help her healing. She had a drain put in last week but it wasn't put in at the hole that was leaking since the hope is to get that hole dried out so it will begin to heal. When we saw her yesterday, the leaking had not fully subsided but was getting close. And Daisy definitely wanted to go home. She was very mellow the first few days she was there but late in the week she showed signs of being her old self (which tells us that she's feeling better and knows she's getting better) which means she's ready to run and play. Joe also said that he could feel part of her hip which he hadn't been able to do since the tumor popped up on her leg. We plan to bring her home Thursday because my mom is coming to visit her from Chicago on Thursday for the weekend. In other news, it was five years ago Friday that I found her at a 5K race here in Albuquerque. She followed the first race walker in. I still don't know what possessed me to take her home but something told me I had to. I didn't think Joe would let me keep her since we already had Chaco and Nestle and he (Joe) had been attacked by a German Shepherd as a kid. Joe was in Thailand at the time and after a day of being followed around by this puppy who wanted to bite my ankles, I was about 15 minutes from calling the other woman who said she would take the dog if the puppy didn't work at my house. It was the intervention of my neighbor who saw the puppy in the window of my door and said that I had to keep her and that Joe would love her. And he did.

The roller coaster none of us want to be on

It's hard to write sometimes. We think things might be stable and then an hour later, we have to throw them (the things that might be stable) out the window. Daisy had another round of chemo on Monday. She was doing really well; she was happy, she even wanted to run a little in the morning. On Tuesday I went out for an appointment and, when I came back, the chemo had taken effect. She was tired and then the tumor started to swell. We expected that. But then she started spurting blood from the incision and it's been stitched up twice since then. The blood spurting were the tumor cells dying off. It held from Friday afternoon until this morning when she was feeling better and wanted to play with the others. Then she started to leak again. Tomorrow, she will move into TLC Pet Hospital, our vet clinic, where they can confine her and get it stable. We hate to do that but we know they will give her great care (and she knows them all). Our house is just too active. Still, knowing her days are numbered will make it hard to leave her there tomorrow.

Home again

I got home late Thursday night and I've been on recovery since. Life has been hectic since Daisy's tumor popped out on August 23rd and I already had a full schedule planned before that. It's been nice to have a quiet weekend at home. Daisy seemed to be happy that I had returned home. She's sitting here in my office now. She doesn't always come into my office so when she does, a part of me doesn't want to leave. I want to stay with her since she wants to be with me. The picture attached to this blog was taken by Joe when I was gone. Daisy was pretty sick most of the week (following her chemo) and it was one of the times recently that Nestle took on her prior role as Daisy's mom. When I brought Daisy home as a puppy, Nestle was the one who took care of her and then Daisy did the same for Hattie as a puppy.

Daisy gets Chemo

I'm in Santa Monica, speaking at Loyola Marymount tomorrow. Before I left Albuquerque yesterday, Daisy had an appointment with a different oncologist. She underwent a local chemotherapy treatment and we took her home right before I left for the airport. She has a good chance of shrinking the tumor if she accepts the chemo and lets it do its job. Joe takes her back to the oncology clinic tomorrow and they will have a good idea if the chemo will take or not. We have all limbs crossed, prayers said.

A Growing Tumor

As I write this, it's about 3:00 on Sunday afternoon and I'm going swimming as soon as I'm done. I head to Los Angeles tomorrow for a few days and I'm excited because I'm working on several projects plus speaking there. But the trip is tempered by the fact that Daisy's tumor has grown. While we've been doing the Chines herbs and giving her homemade food for the week, it still grew. Tomorrow she sees a new oncologist who we have been told has had good luck shrinking these kinds of tumors. I'm guessing that while I'm gone this week, she will be getting chemo or radiation. It's hard to watch her. She can't decide if she should hobble on three legs, drag the leg with the tumor on her hip, or limp. She tries all three. She is mostly alert and wants to be a part of family life as much as the tumor will allow her. We have been wondering if maybe Daisy hurt her leg on August 30 when chasing Hattie and that caused the tumor to explode. The holistic vet told Joe this was possible. That makes me think that possibly we have been given more time with Daisy, a chance to give her a longer life because these kinds of tumors usually give no warning and are a death sentence for all dogs (I have yet to hear of one that lived longer than two years after diagnosis). It's possible that if she hadn't hurt her leg, the cancer would have spread across her body and it would have been too late for us to help her by the time she became listless from it and found out it had spread into her internal organs. From where I'm standing now, I don't understand why this is happening. I realize that one day I will but it's still a struggle to see why this has happened to such a good dog whose only offense in life was to drag me across the park. My friend Teresa, an intuitive type, believes Daisy was a rescue dog in a past life because any time we have a child in our pool, Daisy is always trying to save the child (usually by trying to grab the raft he or she is swimming on). Teresa suggested that maybe in this life, Joe and I are supposed to rescue Daisy. I'm not sure if that means by my bringing her home as puppy from that 5K race just about five years ago or now with her cancer. We'll know soon enough.

Daisy visits a senior center

I did a presentation today at the Meadowlark Senior Center in Rio Rancho. It had been scheduled a few months ago, long before Daisy got sick. Lorrie, the person who contacted me, said I could bring a dog so I took Daisy. She is a former "puller" but since she's been sick, she has really slowed down. However, being among all the people today must have excited her because she pulled and pulled. She got lots of compliments in the hall. The presentation went well and we discussed Daisy's holistic cancer treatment as well as my work on how people use dogs to help cope after human loss. They say 1 in 4 dogs gets cancer so I'm obviously not the only person going through this. One woman said my presentation made her think about her dog differently. It also seems like maybe there's a greater purpose to Daisy being sick. I took her because I want to give her as much social interaction as possible but maybe she's supposed to help other people in some way as well. I believe, despite the raw awful pain, that we are put where we are supposed to be at any one moment although sometimes we can't quite understand it from where we are currently standing.